Mental illness doesn’t just affect the sufferer; it can impact absolutely everyone around them. From watching helplessly as they cope with difficult symptoms, to taking over their responsibilities, it’s a lot of work. When your partner is the one with mental illness, things can be especially challenging and painful. Not only do you have to see them suffer; you also have to take on the role of permanent caretaker.
But remember, whatever frustrations you experience, your partner might be suffering tenfold. From crippling depression to agonizing PTSD, it’s no easy way to go through life. And when they’re having an episode, a symptom flare-up, or their condition worsens, it’s even harder. Being a good partner requires the right balance of sacrifice and healthy boundary-setting. Here’s how to support your loved one through the toughest times, while protecting your own wellbeing.
1. Help Them Get Help
When you’re struggling with your mental health, two of the hardest things can be communication and organization. Working up the strength to take care of basic life tasks and to-dos feels like a Herculean effort. Meanwhile, you might feel down and self-conscious, and would rather not interact with anyone — especially a stranger. Making doctors appointments, therefore, is basically the worst possible combination of two evils.
That’s why, when your partner needs help managing their symptoms, it’s always worth offering to take care of these details. They might know they need therapy, medication, or mental health rehab, but not currently have the tools to make the call. Some people fall into the trap of nagging their partners to do it themselves, not understanding how tough it can be. To give your partner the support they deserve — with their consent, of course — pick up the phone and dial yourself.
2. Carry the Mental Load
Along with appointment scheduling, your partner probably has tons of other tasks they’ve been putting off due to their symptoms. Or they might struggle with things they normally do around the house, like buying groceries. Help out with the necessities, of course: many mental health conditions make it overwhelming to do basic household chores or run personal errands. But don’t leave out the equally important jobs of remembering, organizing, and planning ahead.
If your partner is a woman and you’re in a heterosexual relationship, this can be especially important. Women are often tasked with carrying what’s known as the “mental load” in many households. This means they’re in charge of knowing what needs to be done and making sure it happens. You’ll have to take over crucial tasks like planning a weekly menu, making shopping lists, and coordinating playdates for the kids.
3. Get Educated
Whether your partner’s mental illness is temporary or chronic, it pays to know as much as you can about their condition. You need to have a good understanding of their symptoms, especially if they could become dangerous. At the bare minimum, familiarize yourself with the signs of potential self-harm, harm to others, or suicide. Know when to call for help, who to call, and how to keep your partner and your family safe until help arrives.
That’s just the basics though; to be a truly good partner is to educate yourself on the ins and outs of their mental illness. You want to be able to empathize with their feelings, and possibly even gently help them to manage certain symptoms. For example, if your partner is in dialectical behavior therapy (DBT), you could learn some of the skills and self-care tactics. With their consent, you could walk them through the steps whenever they’re copying with strong emotions.
4. Get Professional Support
Reading about your partner’s condition may not be enough to help you take care of them. And the strain of supporting them emotionally can, over time, take a toll on your own mental health. If you’re caring long term for someone with an acute or chronic mental health condition, consider your own therapy. You could benefit from speaking to someone who can help you manage the impact on your own emotions and well-being.
A good therapist can help you process any conflicting feelings about your partner’s illness, or caring for them. For example, they might help you process any guilt you might have about taking some necessary time for yourself. A therapist may also be able to offer additional coping strategies for when things get too overwhelming around the house. And, they can help you better understand how your partner’s condition works, and how to handle certain symptoms.
5. Practice Self Care — And Encourage Your Partner To, As Well
Taking care of a partner with a mental illness can add a lot of stress to your day. It can, at times, prevent you from practicing basic good habits, like eating a balanced diet, or getting exercise. It’s important to set boundaries with your partner and take time to maintain and prioritize your own health. That means things like stepping away to prepare healthy meals, hit the gym, meditate, read a book, or socialize with a good friend.
Maintaining healthy habits can have a trickle down effect that extends to your partner’s well-being, too. Seeing you put your running shoes on might give them the motivation they need to get out of bed and take a walk. Whatever you do to take care of your own body and mind can be good for both you and them. Invite them to participate whenever possible — but don’t feel bad if there are some things you just want to do alone.
Hold Your Tongue
Of course you want to do whatever you can to help make your partner’s life just a little bit easier. But be careful not to assume you have all the answers or that you can “fix” them or make them better. Listen without judgment when your partner wants to discuss symptoms, difficulties, or painful emotions. Know that no matter how much you understand about their condition, it isn’t the same as living life in their shoes.
